Today's certainly not my day...

i have some thoughts that has been running in my mind for so long. Now i shall "purge" it out...LOL....

Today i met Ashik to study for this coming Tuesday's QAS (Quality Assurance and Statistics) Paper which will last for fucking 3 hours....As usual, Ashik always turn up at least 30 mins late because he "have to do something at home such as packing up",whatsoever...he's always like that de, he never keep his things properly,now we are meeting up for studying, now then he start collecting and bring whatever shit he can find in his home...LOL...enough said...

Ashik is my regular study friend. Why? he's a full time slacker ma. Everytime when exam's coming soon,he will start pestering me to meet him so that i can help him as i'm well known to be a top scorer in my class. Well,true enough, i am a sole-winner of the Oustanding Perfomer Award in my class...haha...ok i will stop being cocky..

Anyway i'm ok with it,so what if he has very poor learning attitude? i will still help him as much as i can...i know everyone in my class dun like him for his last-min work attitude. Take Meng suan as example,he dun like to work with ashik as he know very well that Ashik is a free loader, whenever need to meet up to do report, his shadow is nowhere to be seen...what to do? And those worked with him before will dread working with him again as he always submit work late one....So unlucky sia...

enough said about my study friend....Let's talk about me ba...that's very important one...Recently i have read someone's blog. This person is one of those i knew in CPTC but not that well. Why did i read his blog? Well, it was when i visited his Friendster Profile then he wrote his blog Address in his profile,so i went on to read his blog out of curiosity..As i read his blog, i got to know this fellow better. Back in CPTC, we hardly talk to each other as we dun have any interest in common,except that we are brothers-in-Christ. However i do some observation about this fellow and hope we can be friends,but too bad we are in different stage(he's in stage 3A,while i'm in stage 3B),so we have even less chance to talk after school reopen.

so the only way to know him is by reading his blog regularly. As i read through his personal blog, i realise that we do have some things in common: we are actually very quiet persons. We are more introverted and some sort of "loner". We both lead a boring lifestyle as most of our blog entries are more on our thoughts and feelings,rather than what's going on in our everyday lives. i can really feel that we are on a same boat..both of us are living in our "own internal worlds"(虚幻世界).... i must admit that we do have similar kind of thinking,although he may have expressed it in proper standard English...haha...

anyway, if i had never encounter his blog i wouldn't realise so much things about myself. I am such a boring person,who would want make friends with me? When i see my ex-classmates' lives,as well as my classmates' lives are so exciting, i felt so inferior. Their lives may consists of counter strike,battle field 2,Dota game or any other lan gaming, or they may be engaged in BGR or involve in pubbing and clubbing.. while they were enjoying their youthful lifestyles, what am i doing? i am just like a slave working hard at Esso every weekend...how pitiful i am!

I remember one of my customer is an Indian. He drive his own lorry to my workplace to refill his diesel supply. While i am serving him, he took the initiatives to chat with me. Seeing me being such a young man wasting my time working as Pump attendant at such a place, he is quite surprised as why am i working so hard? then i just humor him lor. he asked why never go out with girlfriend during weekend. He even want intro me some girls for me to fuck..my internal response was "wtf!"...but again, knowing that i am determined to work hard to earn my own pocket $$,he gave me tips as encouragement...lol...i was feeling great whenever a customer give me tips...You know what? the actual reason why i am working hard at Esso as pump attendant during weekends is so that i wont spend time alone at home,feeling so lonely. Whenever weekend comes,i dun really look forward to it. Cuz nobody jio(called) me out. I am such a bore to everyone,who would want to ba long long(hanging out) with me?

For Zhenwei's case, although we may appear as best of friends or buddy, i have a strong feeling that he is being "fake" to me de. I dun believe he can tolerate hanging with a friend who is physically young but old at heart,which is me. He always say he feel fun whenever he's with me. Do u know that all the more he say this, all the more i will think he is a hypocrite? Maybe we have one thing in common, we dun have soulmates and our family is in a mess,but our attitudeand mentality towards life and our lifestyle is so different. He always seeks for fun and dun like to do things on his own,that's why he make friends easily. He loves surprises and unexpected things to happen in his life,and he always take things so easily. that's why my ex-colleague Zhan Hong tell me that Zhenwei is kee-siao(crazy man) one. another thing is that although ZW is easy-going and sociable, he has a very short-temper. U just yell at him once or fuck him in any way,he will turn nasty to you.

For me, i'm just totally different from him. I'm not as smart as him,very emotional,tends to think a lot but very calmed person,that's why i only have mild temper and high level of patience. Despite all these, at least i am true to myself as well as to all friends around me. Whenever Zhen wei praises me for being zai(clever and smart) just because i share with him something he dun't know, i would feel delighted initially but weird after that. Nobody would compliment his friend just because of a trivial matter. I was thinking that he is trying to get into my good book.he is trying to build a good frirndship betwen us so that i am offguard or lose my defence. He is so fake(虚情假意) that i cannot tahan anymore liao...take playing arcade games for example,how a person keep saying this person "this is a good one" or "you very zai" when this person keeps losing the game to him or when this person dun even know how to play the game? that's why ZW is a crazy man...

i was wrong about him. I thought we could actually develop into genuine friendship that would last but everything was just an illusion (幻想). Please take my word seriously because i have gone through a lot of thinking before i wrote this down. i am not writing in a mood of instant anger or what,i am being serious now. So i really hope that i can find a soulmate soon. again, i have a strong feeling that my friendship with ZW wont last for long...上帝上帝,您能赐给我一个真心的朋友或知音吗? 我真的很需要有个朋友给我精神上的支住,可以在我人身当中有转泪点,或突破...我的要求只是那么简单...您能帮我实现吗?........................

I alway thought that ZW would be my buddy for life,but he has let me down... seriously i must really meet him one day and make things clear to him. I must let him know that not everything in life can be taken for fun,including our friendship.

i know that i'm not any fun type of ppl u can play with. Yes i'm a serious person. since young i cant take jokes easily. I am always being bullied frequently,so as a result, i have become less self-confident and introverted person.

Life is just too unfair for me. So i'm not going to be affected by those ppl who criticised me as being a nerd.Yes i do agree that life is not only about studying hard and get good grades,nor working so hard just to survive,we are here to enjoy God's creation and explore this world,想做就去做,根本不用想这么多!!! So what if i'm a nerd to u all? As long as God doesnt think so,its ok! i'm going to study hard and work harder so that i can earn more money to lead a better and peaceful life in Australia...Yes, i believe i can do it...With God nothing is impossible!